The twisted interworkings of a masked psycho.

2002-05-15T03:59:00.000-07:00

Big ass post on me and women.
Ok, I really like girls, but I'm such a screwed up guy. I don't know. Do girls just hate me? I try to be the nice guy, and give them the sun moon and stars. All I ever get in return is either a screw-up on my part, or just plane jack diddly. My big problem is my own self-hatred, and with it the thought that I can't get girls. Like this one girl, in 8th grade, soooooo hot. Decently easy too (one of my friends fingered her in class infront of a few us.) I mean I'm not all about the sex, but if it can be had then hell yeah. Anyhoo, I was told throught the grapevine that she really digged me, and wanted me to ask her out. Stupid me thought that others were just setting me up for a fall and ridicule so I did nothing. I was wrong. I thought that she was out of my league. Damn my stupidity. I've forgotten the quest to get laid and now am just looking for a good friend of the opposite sex. I just need that feminine stuff around me. Not gayness or anything, just a girl with some slightly ditzy (ditzes are a BIG turn on for me) way about her. The kind looks, the hair tosses. Whatever. I like girls. But I am an idiot. Like I had this one girl in my hands, but I turned her away. Her name was Amy Purcell. I still to this day don't see her a physically hot or anything, just another face in the crowd, neither beautiful nor ugly. Her mind though, OMGWTFBBQ she was sooooooooooooo cool. I mean this girl and I could talk for hours. I was a junoir and she was a senoir and we still chilled all the time. We were both insane about star wars and video games. I could have easily gotten her into ddr if I haddn't svrewed up. It was time for homecomming, and I was gunna take her to the dance. Ok, first thing to start the downward spiral, the senior class nominated her to become the homecoming queen. I was an ass and subconciously thought that it was some kind of evil joke on her. I already told you what I thought of her looks. It couldn't have been legit. She had been hurt by others because she didn't exactly have many boyfriends in her life. I go into defence mode and tell her straight out "I am taking you to homecomming." She was cool with it, but I didn't even ask her. I could have done that for the girl. She really wanted for another guy to ask her, but he just wasn't interested. I knew he wouldn't ask, so I was gunna take her. So we joke around alot, and she is all like "mabey I won't go with you to homecomming." completely jokingly for somereason that I forget at the moment, and the inner asshole escapes me. I would have rather just pulled out a gun and shot myself than telling her that nooooone else would take her but me, but I did because (as I have repeatedly said) I am an idiot. She ends up intears for the rest of the day 'cause that's where it hurt her the most. Damn I'm an idiot. I really didn't mean to hurt her, but I did. She ends up forcing the guy that she wanted to take her to the dance and escort her on teh field for the homecomming queen shit. But do you wanna know how cool that girl was. SHE made up with ME. She gave me this long ass note saying that it was her senior year and she just wanted to have fun and didn't want to let anything stand between her and her friends. Then she says in the noth that flower would be nice. (I now (and in now I don't mean in the story, but after the fact entirely) realize that she really liked me for more than a friend). I get her a card ant the flowers and make the big mistake of writing in the card that I loved her "LIKE A SISTER". ( I am an idiot.) I could have had her. I really liked her that way too. I just didn't even know it. Why am I so dumb? I said the one thing that alienated me from that path alltogether. I broke her heart. From then on she was always telling me about different guys that she was going to hook up with. I would always play jelous and call then gay or something. That was my punnishment. Not being able to just jump up and say "Damn it Amy I love you soo much. You are everything I could want in a girlfriend and a friend. Why are you so damn cool?" IMO I'm noth sure that the guys truly existed or not. mabey she knew that I said those works 'cause what a bad time to ask a girl out than just after you have crushed her heart for absolutely no reason. Mabey they did exist. I hope that they did. I hope that they're taking care of her. She moved off to college in Mishagan. She hates the cold. I hope that some guy will snuggle with her when she's cold. I'd become selebate for life if that man could be me, but it can't. Once again I am an idiot.

Well in other news. I got konomix today and it kicks ass. Unlocked everything today. I really like my new selection of songs to hax.
Gotta clean the house for the weekend when my parents come home. That's about it.

2002-05-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

I think that I like my job, but I don't know if I should do it for that much longer. I mean my boss is really cool and shit. I don't mind the truck unload, but it seems as if I'm just getting to where all I think about all night is going home and going to bed. I like the work, it's easy to do and really good money, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I really should go look for another job real soon, but I'll probibly end up just sitting around on my ass. That's my big problem. Lack of motivation. But once my mind is set, I usually don't give up unless made to. I just need to get motivated too start. Oh well. I can never become very good at much tho. I usually try my hardest, only to fall sub-par. I know that I am good at some things, but I know plenty of people that are a helluva lot better. I guess that's what was on my mind for the day.

2002-05-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

Well today has kicked ass. I just got to sit around and do absolutely nothing with the day. No parents home, so I got to just run around in my underware all day. I was lucky that I was fully clothed when my sister stoped by to check up on me. Need to go and buy ddr konomix like either tommorow or tuesday. Need to practice more cata's. I think that I'll go to gaymeworks tommorow and use that coupon for 1 free hour card. I'll just play like nothing but cata's since it isn't on auto fail, and I get the machine for like an hour and a half if I play it right. Oh well. I got's to clock in in a few hours so I'm just gunna post this as is.

2002-05-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well I said that I'd make one, so here it is. Ok so where do I start. Had a really fun day today. Had to start it out with lawn- work tho= suxorz. Anywho, I went to Cz and played far too many cata's. My legs are now jelly. No good. I just need to get better at them tho. While I was there I decided to go ahead and buy my stepmother a mothers day present. I was soooooo lucky. Ok so I walk in one store, and the first thing that I saw on display was this metal angel with a horn. My stepmother LOOOOOOVES angels, so against my usual rule of the first thing that I pick up being absolute shit, I get it. Zack laughed at me and thought that it was a stupid gift. So I get home tonight and my parent's had to catch the 5:30 flight to get to mexico for vacation and I give it to her. She thinks it's the best thing ever. She keeps on ranting and raving to make sure that the cat dosen't hurt it, and that she's gunna put down velcro on the mantle so it won't fall. Damn was I lucky. Well this was a buisy day and I gotta clock in at 10 tonight so I guess I'm done with my very first post. Don'y worry I'll get into the twisted shit whenever I'm having a slow day or just really pissd off. It's just a good day 'cause I've got the house to myself for the week, and I did a bunch of ddr today. Ok I'm just gunna shut up now before I ramble on too much.